JAMIE!

I don't know if i know your phone number or not..

TEXT ME 9053219414 or something having trouble contacting.  Sent message to effect that something we can has do make things EASIER for swappings of junk.

just one of those days,   freaking kill me.

Blizzcon in one day.  Flying out on Thursday.

kinga excited.  mostly scared out of my fucking mind.  new people who may not like me, social situations whereas i'm gonna get my ass handed to them.. yay?  i guess.

Since I haven't posted here in ages aside from a brief QQ about how College is slowing trying to bring about my end.  I thought it was time to at least attempt to spew forth some coherent form of relay to the people who actually might read this and think that it would actually matter if I did or not.

Beard:  Yes, somehow a good deal of time has resulted in the formation of some kind of facial hair growth.  At first I thought it was some kind of mold formation, since I wasn't scrubbing my face too vigorously, however this was proven wrong after it survived a pumice stone.  It's not Jim worthy but it put my azn ancestry to shame.

School:  I'm still learning the metric system in Math.  Want to hang self.

Life: Is okay.  Quiet, trying to live on the downlow, recent but expensive lifestyle of nice teas has lended to me not having much in the way of spending money.

Birthday:  Was quiet.  Thankfully.

Games: WoW and WAR.  Need less of both in my life, but not sure as to how to achieve that.

Rant:

In this caffine-fueled mass of frustration, I feel like targeting friendship.  After reading and hearing recent peoples viewpoints on this crucial part of a person's life, I find myself at some kind of idealistic challenge to comprehend.  To each and every person my friends list, at some point in time I've wanted to try and connect on a personal level.  I've dialed that number and hung up, I've had that MSN window open typed out something to say then quickly closed it.  My challenege to myself is to try and figure out why I would do such a stupid thing.  Consequently enough, the people who have me as friends on this blog are the person who I've thought about and failed the most at trying to communicate with.  There are a few that aren't even on this list that I've come to that road-block as well.

I don't really know.  Why?  I can say that I'm afraid of what people are gonna do, what people are going to say.  Everyone seems to have enough friends, Why do they need me on top of it?  Me being that needy friend.  Eh, I don't really know, but as time seems to have passed my frustration seems to have dropped to nothing.

I'm torn who to try and connect with or not, or if people actually want to connect with me on a level beyond that casual acuqaintance.  I never really knew how to tell the difference, for the most part, I was always approached first.  I just know that every person has their own viewpoints on pretty much everything and even though I may not show it or seem to find a way to express it,  thanks for being part of my life.  Even though I've failed to connect in the way that I want to, or we never hit it off, I still appreciate that you've given the ability to try.  :(  Sorry, I do fail.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

2 days of.. imperial conversion for math.. evolution for biology.. oh my god.  want to die.

1. Your full name? Ayden Kelly Russell Boutilier.

2. Do you feel like your name fits you? Dunno, I always hated that I couldn't find a nickname.

3. Do you have an alter ego? If so, what is his/her name? Not really.. Unless you're counting WoW Personas.

4.Where were you born? Welland, Ontario.

5. Where do you live? Welland, Ontario.

6. Do you like to travel? Mmmhmmm.

7. What is your birthday? 26 of September.

8. Do you have siblings? Chance. Half-brother.

9. Do you have pets? No.

10.Which was the happiest year of your life? No clue.

Cleaned up for those workly folks.  This used to be a rather large string of profanities.

PIECE OF *CRAP.

All better. 

P.S.  I really don't want to feel like I need to be a doormat to keep my friends.

P.P.S.  Thanks for the awesome poetry Terry.  Had a blast, met some people who were hella-cool.  Yea, I said Hella.  Some things aside.  It was a good night.

So, I don't fucking get it sometimes.  I try my goddam best to be a good fucking person.  Salt of the fucking earth, I don't really know much else as to what to take from the way my life ends up playing out.

I'm not the most sociable fuck in the world, I'm a better chauffeur.  Why is it so fucking hard to make a friend?  Or even find one. GOD DAMN IT.  I never fucking know where to look, try to look close to home, can't seem to find or perform nearly as well as I could possibly do.  I've been looking outside my circle of friends for something but don't know where to go.  So goddam fucking frustrating.  God Fucking Piece of shit Damn it.  I don't want to be fucking condemned to computer chair to have any fucking friends in my life.  The whole distance thing is really killing me, I guess.  No, I don't bloody well guess, it is killing me.  I'm great for a fucking ride and entertainment but aside from that.. Not much else it would seem... I'm Nice to have around, over a fucking cable line, but scum of the bloody earth otherwise, RIght?  Well that's the way I fucking feel right now.

I don't fucking know how to make a friend aside from pretty much playing fucking servant, for a couple months until said person starts to accept me for who I am.  Is this the fucking wrong way to do shit?  Like seriously, I pour a good chunk of my time and a great deal of my effort kissing ass and in the end, probably just fucking screw myself over, right?

I don't fucking know.

Everyone says you need to put time and effort into building relationships.. and whatnot, but why the fuck can I never ever find someone who's sane who's looking for some kind of camaraderie.  I am always the fucking bitch who has to start all the goddam shit: friendships, outside stuff, I'm rarely invited somewhere, hang out with a select crowd of people who tolerate me I guess.. No bloody clue anymore.  Am I so goddam horrible that I can't be the other way around?  Or is everyone else in the world content with their existence that it doesn't fucking matter?

If you want to be included, you should go out and include yourself.. It goddam says..  Well, I don't exactly know how I'm not exactly part of the upper echelons of socialite society.  I have trouble talking to a fucking border guard, who in GOD'S fucking name can I hold some kind of regular conversation that will foster some kind of friendship?  NO FUCKING ONE. 

I don't know where to go from here.  I'm fucking pissed off after the events of today.  Need to relax..  This released a lot of the pent up sand that's been pounded up in places where the sun don't fucking shine.  I don't see me relaxing anytime in the near fucking future.  Why do I bother, Right?


GOD FUCKING BULLSHIT BLOODY DAMN WELL SON OF A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BITCH..................................................

Can anyone do anything with me on Monday?  Anything please.. ANYTHING..

I'd love to put my face through my computer screen right now.. but it's not glass wouldn't really hurt me enough..  HOLY FUCK.  I'm so frustrated I just can't believe it.  I just want to fucking scream... there's a bloody fucking indent in my wall from a stone that says, "Everyone is born Right handed, only the gifted overcome it..".. Fucking hilarious.  It was just as funny as I bloody well hucked it into the wall.

Why?  Because I didn't fucking learn from my own fucking rules.

Each and every person is replaceable.  I should have fucking learned it from the moment I bloody well said it.. but NO, I had to be fucking stupid and think I was something special.  HOLY FUCK, jesus fucking christ all fucking mighty.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

You sit there and try and foster what you can, be a good person.  Not let yourself get walked all over, but then when the option arises that you can potentially stand up for yourself.. you just back the fucking down and act like you haven't got a fucking spine?  Yes, I'm a spineless, fool.  I know that, now you know it too.

Likely this is the lack of sleep from the whole weekend, and the HUGE fucking caffine crash I'm going through.. but holy fuck...  SO, ANGRY.  The angst is over-fucking-whelming.  Could have solved this all if I wasn't such a fucking fool.  Maybe one day I'll fucking learn..

I feel like rambling.  But I'm not quite sure about what.  Wanderlust, has taken hold to a little degree.. everything seems so mundane.. I lead a boring existence.. which is depressing, but reassuring at the same time.  Nothing interesting happens to me, I wish interesting things did.  But yet, It's my own fault that I do nothing in my off time, just because it's simpler for me to do nothing as opposed to something.  Never really indoctrinated myself into any specific groups, or really get into much aside from that blasted game.

I keep shelving things I kinda want to achieve...  Bought a rubik's cube, solved it once.  Got some nice juggling balls, and books.. They're collecting dust..  Started to read some comics books, which are definitely cool.  Warmachine, seems to be my latest vice, taking an obsession the likeness of 40K.. which is Alright, it seems to be more cost effective, and I seem to be a bit more capable of coming to a decision about it.

Recent obsession, tattoos.  Gotta love them right?  Piercings are good, but tatttoos are where it's at.  The whole tattooing culture is interesting to me, don't really know why.  Might get another tattoo, make myself feel better. :D

I need something to take my mind off life, something to obsess over... that I can frequently.. and utilize to distract myself frequently.  I'm not artistic, can't draw.. another thing I've tried and failed at.. can't paint..  can't write, can't do anything artistic.  I could periodically bitch about how shitty my life is and act all emo over LJ.  Much like I'm doing now, but that just doesn't seem to cut it..  Being all emo, doesn't seem to solve my problems.  Surprise, Surprise..  I just don't want to do boring shit, day in and day out.. I'm still young, I should be doing shit.. having fun, adventuring..  I think I might go out for some Sushi tomorrow.. Yea, for lunch, go have some Real Sushi.  :D  Been craving it for awhile.

Could try and figure out what to do about it.. I think I might try and pick up my guitar again tomorrow... Since that's collecting dust.. might try and give painting a whirl again... There's actually shit I can do, I need to get my Orks done so I can run 1500 points, and have fun Orking it up.. Assemble my Pirates and Rengrave for Warmachine...

I just need to be content with my life, and not feel unsuccessful (which I am..), mundane.. (which I am..) or like I never do anything.. (which is also true..)

Drinking, more Drinking may just solve that problem.  Or actually doing shit, going out.. getting away from my computer and it's associated obligations.

I CAN'T FIND MY BLOODY TV REMOTE...

I need a bloody cowbell for the god-forsaken thing..

It would seem that I've got the flu...  yay...  

So, what's on your bucket list?  Mine's pretty tame, kinda.. Not really.. But Yea.  I'll give you a RD version..

Learn a Musical Instrument..  always loved the violin.. but thinking I may start with the Guitar, or Saxophone.. <_<

Learn to speak a language other than english..  Something Exotic..

To get 1 Large Tattoo..  Thinking Sleeve, some people say Dragon...  Not sure what.. Communist Propaganda is really tempting..

Become a Paramedic..

Two Life lessons of the day.

1.  Don't tell someone it's over, unless you mean it.. It just makes all sorts of questions that people you really don't need to answer..

2.  Don't lie. Unless you know enough of how to cover it up..

going to try and sleep now..

So, after a long and painful afternoon.. Things on the home front are Okay for now.. But that's not the point of my post.  :P

Brawl.

Brawl..  Brawl...  Brawl.... Brawl.....

For the record.  Kirby is God.  Closely followed by Dedede and Lucas.  I had a mortal hatred for Snake.. but after some random games... he's kinda grown on me.

The thing I shall talk about is how not to teach someone how to play Brawl.

Firstly.  Don't try and learn against someone who really really likes the game.. and is decently good at it...  Or said person is going to be stuck playing the characters they hate... Namely.. Mr. Game & Watch and/or Peach.. not to name names or anything.

Secondly.  Don't play on random.. because there is a remote chance that said teach could get the characters they enjoy.. and rock said learning person's socks.. which is fun for one.. and not for both.

more to come...